its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
