just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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