for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
