I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
