its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
