you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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