This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You're breaking my sexual little heart
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
