if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
