I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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