Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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