I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
