You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
