Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize