He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
