i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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