I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
