There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
