found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
