My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I love you. Go after that dick
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
