Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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