if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
