I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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