Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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