Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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