I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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