Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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