I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
