So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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