I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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