I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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