Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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