When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
