You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
