My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize