He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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