he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
