I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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