So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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