I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
