Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
