if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
