I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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