i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
