i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
