You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
