Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
