hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
