i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I want to fling myself into the sun
Success! We fucked roommates!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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