I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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