WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
