I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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