Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
