Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
