Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
