a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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