Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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