ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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