as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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