Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
