I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
