do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
