wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
