Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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