I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
